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They spent an uncomfortable night together, worrying about Krispin, and lying apart on the bed, feeling awkward about doing anything without the boy there. When Jintesh woke in the early hours of the next morning, fretful dreams keeping him from sleep, Taisho had already left, gone to do who knew what. Jin lay alone in Krispin's huge bed, staring up at the ceiling. And then he thought of Rhys, wondering about the hack she'd done on Nimbus, and what Nimbus might do about it.

The thought scared him out of bed, and he hurriedly dressed and left the apartment. He charged down the stairs and out into the street, jumping onto his streambike and heading for the nearest datathread.

Worry caught up with him at the threader, and Jin fumbled his chargechip, almost dropping it. Finally, it snapped into place and he punched in Laran's thread. He waited, impatient; it seemed like hours before Laran answered, yawning.

"Jin, I didn't think these early hours suited you any better than me," Laran greeted, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"They don't, normally. Laran, you know the hack Rhys did on Nimbus.. they'd know what she copied, right?"

"Yeah." Laran raised an eyebrow. "You've got timing, Jin. Rhys was going to thread you today."

"She was?" Jin's stomach clenched. "The timing's not mine, Laran. Krispin's gone walkabout again."

"Ah, shit." Laran shook his head. "Typical. Hang on, let me wake Rhys." He vanished from sight before Jin could answer, and Jin waited, tapping his fingers nervously against the datathread's cover.

Rhys' bleary face appeared, her hair sticking up in odd tufts. "Fuck, Jin, don't you need beauty sleep or something?"

"Sorry." He left it at that, too nervous to explain properly.

"Yeah, yeah. Listen, I've gotta hack Nimbus again --"

"What?" Jin exclaimed, his mind spiralling with horrid thoughts.

"Don't interrupt." Rhys shook her head at him. "I was cracking the main part of Krispin's file; big fucker, with a good dozen encodes. I split the first three, and wouldn't you know, they put a kamikaze under the third. I didn't even have a chance to detect it. Ate the file, ate the backup, and damn near obliterated my console before I killed it."

"Nasty stuff." Jin shivered. They'd gone to so much effort to cover Krispin up; and every new story he heard about it scared him even more.

"Yeah. I pieced my system back together, plugged in the original copy I brought home, and suddenly my system was frying itself again. The damn kamikaze left a fragment resident, and so hidden I didn't even catch it. It was just waiting for me to do what I did. Now I don't have any copies of that file left. So if you wanna know the rest of Krispin's secrets, I have to go hit Nimbus again. I was going to thread you today. I only just got my console fixed up."

"Krispin's gone again."

"Yeah, Laran said. And yeah, they're aware of what I copied."

"Damn." Jin shook his head, fearful all over again. They'd tell Krispin, and Krispin would be furious at him. And even worse, they'd be mad at Krispin, and who knew what they would do. He remembered Krispin returning to him, listless and hurting, the empty socket where his eye should have been. Would there be another punishment? And would Krispin take it without a fight, just like last time?

"If they wanted to chase you about it, they would have already, Jin."

"Maybe." Jin hadn't thought of that. It seemed obvious to him that the only person who'd be hunting for Krispin's secrets was himself. But maybe Nimbus weren't so sure of that. "They might hurt him, though."

"Because someone else hacked them? Maybe if they thought he'd know who, but I get the feeling they're watching him a lot. If he knew of it, they'd already know. And in that case, they wouldn't need to ask him."

"I hope you're right." Jin closed his eyes briefly. Her words made sense, and it calmed his mind somewhat.

"Me too." Rhys grinned briefly. "If you don't want me to hack them straight away, I won't. We can leave it awhile, let them think we're done with it."

"Yeah." The idea appealed to Jin, despite how badly he wanted to know the truth. "Just for awhile." At least until Krispin was back, and he could be sure that everything was okay. He didn't want to get Krispin hurt; he'd never be able to forgive himself for that.

"Got it. Thread me when you're ready for it, then." She paused a moment, looking thoughtful. "And Jin? Don't fret it. Your Krispin's tough, else he wouldn't have survived it this long." She cut the thread before Jin could reply, and he stared at the blank screen.

Was she right? He wanted to think so. After all, Krispin had been doing this for a long time before he came along. And doing well enough for himself, it seemed. But -- and Jin cursed himself -- that was before he'd come along and tried to dig it all up. Frustrated, he kicked helplessly at the datathread and returned to his streambike. If anything happened, he only had himself to blame.

By the time Taisho returned home, late that evening, Jintesh was curled up in bed, attempting to escape his thoughts by sleeping. Despite everything he tried, he could not help but fret, his worries imagining the worst, and in graphic detail. The deep murmur of Taisho's voice was such a welcome distraction that he almost burst into tears of relief.

Instead, Jintesh let himself be pulled into small talk, and when Taisho climbed into bed next to him, he clung to the singer, letting the warmth of his skin and the firm grasp of his arms reassure him.

Taisho was responsive, his lips possessing Jin's, his hands gently smoothing the tenseness from Jin's shoulders, and Jin felt calmed for the first time that day. Taisho was softer, less aggressive in bed without Krispin there, and their lovemaking was quiet and languid, a soothing counterpoint to the worries they were both feeling.

Afterwards, they lay still, tangled around each other, not wanting to let go. And Jintesh gave in to the little voices in his head, the fear of what Krispin was involved in, and he told Taisho about it.

He stammered his words out at first, his head pressed against Taisho's chest, unwilling to look him in the face. Taisho held him tightly, listening to what he knew, not saying a word, and Jin wondered what was going on in his mind. He told Taisho everything that Rhys had uncovered, and everything that he feared now, and then he swallowed hard against his dry throat.

Taisho was still silent, and finally Jintesh raised his head, looking up at the singer. The reflected light from outside caught Taisho's face, just slightly, and Jin saw the glimmer of tears in his eyes. He reached up to touch the singer's face, to wipe the tears as they fell, but Taisho caught his hand halfway there.

"Don't. I don't cry much." Taisho closed his eyes, dislodging tears that trickled down his face and vanished in the darkness.

"I'm sorry." Jin sat up, watching Taisho cry, wishing he'd kept his mouth shut.

"Why do you apologise for everything you do, and everything you don't?" Taisho sat up as well, wiping his eyes briefly, and fumbled on the bedside table for his cigarettes.

"Everything's my fault," Jintesh replied, only half joking. He grabbed for the cigarettes -- they were next to him, not Taisho -- and tossed the packet to the singer.

"Not this time." Taisho lit a cigarette, and Jin took the packet back from him, gratefully lighting one for himself as well. "Damn Krispin. I had some idea it had to do with the Haze, but not.. not this. Whatever this is."

"I wish we knew exactly." Jin stared at Taisho's glowing cigarette. "Then I'd know just how scared to be."

"Instead of just preparing for the worst?" Taisho smirked bitterly, his cigarette lighting up his worryworn face as he took a drag on it.

"Yeah. I don't want to lose him."

"Maybe we won't. If they can keep messing his head so he'll never hit the bad side of being a Haze addict, maybe --"

"Maybe. It's all maybes. I keep telling myself it'll be okay, but I've lost too much too many times to believe it anymore."

"I empathise, let me assure you." Taisho's eyes were almost black as they caught Jin's, and Jin saw his own pain mirrored there. "But somehow Krispin just seems to keep on going, never stopping, and it makes me think that he always will. Regardless of what I do. Or you." He waved his cigarette in Jin's direction.

"Maybe," Jin replied drolly, and then an almost hysterical laughter hit him, as he realised what they both were doing, running this woeful circle of maybes. "Damn, we're pathetic!" he exclaimed, laughing harder, and Taisho almost choked on cigarette smoke as he burst out laughing as well.

They discarded their cigarettes and let the laughter carry them into exhausted sleep, before the worry could fall back down on them again.

Jintesh woke slowly, the soft noises of morning in the slums slowly intruding upon his conciousness. He opened his eyes to the dim room, and felt a sudden jolt of fear hit him as two glowing, angry eyes stared down at him. Then they moved, and the light that had made them seem to glow caught a face instead; Krispin's face.

"Krispin!" Jintesh sat up suddenly, blinking several times to make sure he wasn't seeing things. Krispin blinked as well, and then a smile crossed his face.

"Hi, Tesh. Miss me?" Krispin plonked down on the bed, leaning close to press his lips against Jin's cheek, and Jin tried to sort out his morning thoughts. He wondered if he'd imagined the anger in those eyes when he'd first woken. There was certainly no anger now.

"What do you think?" He slid his arms around Krispin, relieved to be holding the boy again, as happy and loving as he'd been when he vanished. Had Nimbus said nothing, done nothing, then?

"I think you didn't miss me at all." Krispin laughed, his lips trailing across Jin's cheek. "But I'm sure I can fix that." His sudden kiss was vibrant and passionate, and Jin met it eagerly, his hands slipping under Krispin's shirt, reassured by the nearness of his warm body.

"Taisho!" Krispin yelped suddenly, laughing as he broke the kiss. Jin felt Taisho's hands slipping around him, pulling him closer and squeezing the boy between them.

"Morning, Krispin." Taisho's voice was strong and warm, all the worry of the weekend gone with Krispin's presence, and Jintesh shifted his head, grinning at the singer over Krispin's shoulder. Taisho smiled back, winking at him.

"Unfortunately, we don't have time to play just now," Taisho continued, his hands saying otherwise as they roamed first over Jintesh and then Krispin. "Because we have a recording session today that someone made us late for."

"We're not late!" Krispin protested. "I got home in plenty of time. I'm ready to go."

"Well, we slept in because of you, so we're not." Taisho pressed a kiss on Krispin's cheek, and let go of both of them, climbing out of bed.

"Me? I wasn't here, how could it be my fault?" Krispin turned an aggrieved, but amused expression on Jin.

"We kept ourselves awake worrying, that's why." Jintesh kept his tone light as he got up as well, reaching for his clothes that were discarded on the floor. He glanced at Krispin in time to catch a frown vanishing from the boy's expression, replaced by the amusement again.

"Not my fault you two worry like a pair of old grannies!" he told them cheerfully.

Things went so smoothly for the next few weeks that Jintesh began to think it might be okay. That Nimbus had done nothing about the copying of Krispin's file, and that everything might keep on going as it always had, before he'd intruded. The recording of Crustacean's new disc was successfully finished, and Krispin's apartment was once again opened up for a celebration party.

Laran and Rhys were invited again, this time at Jin's request. He caught the glint of worry in Laran's gaze when he threaded him with the invitation, and he was quick to reassure the dj that everything was going fine; that Krispin's secret was best left alone. Laran agreed eventually, but his few probing questions about it left Jin wondering again. Because despite his worry, he wasn't so sure if he wanted it left alone. He still felt that need to know, to find out the complete truth.

He'd been trying to crush those thoughts since Krispin's last wander, afraid of what his actions might cause if Nimbus were angry enough. But after the easy ride they'd had since then, trouble seemed somehow more distant. So by the time the party was in full swing and he was happily drunk, he let Rhys talk him into finding out. Let himself agree to her hacking Nimbus again, and this time getting Krispin's file completely decoded.

The need to know, to find out if things were really as bad as he imagined they were; it was eating away at him. He wished he'd never started it to begin with. It wasn't so bad, having no clue at all about Krispin's wanders, and his Haze. But being halfway there, almost sure of everything but knowing nothing, was driving him nuts.

In the full woes of the next morning's hangover, he cursed himself for his weakness, but he didn't dare thread Rhys and tell her he'd changed his mind, either. Because he did want to know. So he tried to forget about it, tried to tell himself that it wouldn't make a difference so long as he wasn't actually thinking about it.

"Tesh! I wanna go out and do something. Come with me? You don't get out enough." Krispin's cheerful voice snapped Jin out of a light doze, and he realised the info-cast on the vis-unit had put him to sleep again. So much for catching up on city news.

"Sure, why not?" Jin flicked off the vis-unit, and looked around for Taisho. Then he remembered; the singer was holed up in his room, furiously writing songs. When the muse hit Taisho, it took complete control of him, and he was apt to disappear for hours, even days. "Where'll we go?"

"I dunno." Krispin reached down, dragging Jintesh to his feet. "How about MeshRealm? I promised I'd take you there more, didn't I?"

"Hey, yeah!" Jin found himself beaming. Keeping up with the whirlwind that was Krispin's life, and worrying over it all, he'd forgotten the simple beginnings of their relationship -- and the pure delight that MeshRealm had been for him.

"Lookatcha light up." Krispin laughed. "I knew you belonged there. C'mon. We'll make a night of it."

They did indeed make a night of it, trying out new games that had not been there before, going back again and again to favourites from their last visit, laughing and teasing each other as they tried to be the best at every game. To Jintesh, it felt like the first time they'd gone there, back when Krispin and he were just friends; how simple everything had been then! The same heady delight overtook him, and Jin let himself go wild.

The stayed until the place closed, in the predawn hours of the morning, and Krispin insisted they eat an early breakfast up at the crossbridges; a reminder of times before. So with food from an allnighter stashed in their bikes, they drove up to the top of the city, parking at the very peak.

Jin stood at the intersection of the bridges, turning slowly, staring at the gentle golden glow of the clouds around him, brightest where the sun was hidden but slowly rising. He didn't see the sun often; it wasn't bright enough to light up much of the city beyond its top layers.

"Come and eat," Krispin's voice snapped him out of his reverie, and he joined the boy at the rails, sitting down and swinging his legs over the edge.

"Nice morning," he said, taking his tray from Krispin, and digging into the warm breadroll he'd bought.

"Yeah. You don't see the clouds this bright much. Usually they're so thick you don't even know where the sun is." Krispin was almost halfway through his own roll already. "Makes you wonder what the point is."

"Of what?"

"Of the sun." Krispin swallowed the rest of his roll, and leaned back, until he was lying on the road, hands resting under his head. His eyes stared up at the lazy clouds above him, and a warm silence rested between them. But finally, Krispin spoke again.

"Tesh, can I ask you a favour?"

"Yeah?" Jin was chewing the last of his roll, still pondering Krispin's remark about the sun.

"Stop hacking Nimbus." Krispin's tone of voice didn't change, his face still calm, but Jin almost choked on the roll, halfway down his throat. He spluttered, coughing, and Krispin sat up again, pounding on his back. The roll dislodged itself, and Jin reached for his drink, his eyes watering. Had he really heard right?

"You mean --" he managed, and then paused, coughing again.

"I said it and I meant it, Tesh." Krispin gentle fingers dried Jin's eyes, then moved to rest against his cheek. "Just let it go. I know it's not you personally doing the hacking, but it's all the same. Whatever you do have.. get rid of it. Don't crack it. You're going too far and you're going to hurt yourself. And me. Taisho.. anyone else who's too close."

"They.. they told you that?" He stared at Krispin's face, at the boy's calm expression that accepted whatever his fate was.

"No. They don't need to. I know them. I know what I'm in, Tesh. That's why I don't want you in it, too. Because you're expendable to them."

"I don't want them to hurt you, Krispin. I want to take care of you."

"No. You want to know what it is that has more power over me than you." Krispin's voice was soft, but Jin heard pain, the loneliness of a boy who was forever seperated from the rest of the world by his secret. Or at least, that's what it sounded like to him.

"No! Damnit, Krispin, you're everything --" He grabbed for Krispin's hand as it drew back from his face. "I could get you out. Somehow. Take you away, we could find a way to skip the trackers, and then it wouldn't matter. It'd be just you and me and no-one'd have control over you except you." He stared into Krispin's eyes, begging the boy to understand, to agree. Krispin's face had gone very still, but his wide eyes were flashing, emotions Jintesh couldn't understand roiling across them, just glimpsed then gone again.

"You can't, Tesh." Krispin spoke finally, pulling his hand away properly. "I can't leave. I don't have that choice." He turned his face away, towards the hidden sun. "I belong to them. Take me as I am or not at all, because I can't --" he cut off, pressing his face against the bars of the safety rail. "I can't take this. You keep saying you'll accept it, but then you don't. You keep trying to find out. You keep pushing, and pushing, and one day you're going to push me too far and I'm going to fall. And that'll be it."

Jintesh reached out, wanting to soothe the agony behind those words, but his hand fell short, grasping at air. Was Krispin right? Was it really nothing more than his selfish desire to have Krispin completely his own? He'd kept on telling himself that he was trying to help Krispin -- but everything he'd done so far had only made things worse.

"Fuck!" He screamed, furiously, helplessly, pounding his fists against the solid rail. "Why? Why am I so wrong? Why can't I just let anything work the way it should?" His Krispin, that's what he always thought. His and no-one else's. It had rankled him so much, to see Krispin running to Nimbus at the first sign of any real trouble. Why couldn't Krispin run to him? Let him hold the boy, soothe him with his affection, not with some artificial drug?

"'Cause you want to own me. But someone else already does." Krispin turned slightly, watching him through tangled silver hair, and he reached for the boy, almost crushing him in an embrace.

"You, you followed me, you pursued me, you made me want you. When you knew I couldn't have you."

"You have me. I've always been yours. Just not that one small part of me. Why do you need to have me so completely?" Krispin was taut in his arms, shaking despite his tight hold.

"I don't know. I don't know! I just need you to be mine. Nothing's ever really been mine. No-one's ever belonged to me, just to me, for me."

"You just had to wait." Krispin pulled away from him, reaching up to caress his face. The boy's fingers were cold against his helpless anger. "And you just had to accept. Why can't you?"

"Because I don't understand. I need to understand." He needed to know why they were more important than he was -- and so it all came back to his own selfishness. Jin pulled away, all but leaping to his feet, closing his eyes, trying to get away from Krispin, from his own self, from everything that he'd done wrong.

"Just understand that I need you. What could be more important than that, Tesh?" Krispin's words followed him as he ran, stumbling down the crossbridges, away from the bikes, away from the boy, away from his own stupidity.