choose style
black
grey
white

A soft, high-pitched keening noise was what woke Jintesh the next morning, and he slipped sluggishly out of sleep, his head aching. He instinctively pressed a hand over his ear, blinking slowly, trying to clear the fog from his eyes and wake up properly.

Something tickled against his nose, and he rubbed at it in surprise, trying not to sneeze. There was.. he blinked again, disbelieving. The air was filled with tiny shreds of cloth, floating slowly, lazily about, giving the room a dreamland quality. The keening grew louder, more intense, and he finally realised it was someone's voice, screeching continuously.

Krispin's voice.

He sat up, ignoring his aching head's protests, and stared. Krispin stood at the end of the bed, naked, his hair a tangled mass about his head, his eyes wide and wild with anger. He was clawing at the covers, grabbing them up and ripping them between his fingers, tearing them furiously into smaller and smaller pieces.

"Krispin!" Jin exclaimed, hearing his voice sounding tiny and horrified. What the hell was going on? What was wrong? Why was Krispin so angry? The boy ignored him, still focused on the covers, as he tore the last of them to shreds.

Words echoed through Jin's mind; Krispin's explanation of his moodswings, and how intense they were. But.. wasn't Haze supposed to medicate it? To stop it happening? How could he be like this if he'd had Haze only last night?

Krispin turned from the bed, the covers wasted, and launched himself across the room with a yell, hitting a vis-unit in the corner with his shoulder and tumbling down behind the sofa with it. Jin heard it crash, heard the sound of glass shattering, and he leapt out of the bed, his thoughts forgotten in his worry for Krispin's safety.

The boy was pulling himself to his feet, unmindful of the multitude of scratches across his chest, of the blood beginning to well up. He tried to attack something else, and Jin caught him from behind, wrapping his arms around the boy, trying to hold him still, to stop him from this insanity.

"No!" Krispin's yell was barely understandable, and he reached his arms up, clawing at Jin now, his nails tearing Jin's skin as he tried to free himself.

"Krispin, stop it!" Jintesh held tight, refusing to let go of the boy, no matter what. Krispin ignored him again, clawing, yelling, struggling wildly, and Jin clung to him tighter, feeling tears rolling down his own cheeks. This was not his Krispin, and this Krispin wouldn't listen. What was he supposed to do?

"Jintesh, bring him this way!" Taisho's deep, steady voice cut through Krispin's yelling, and Jin almost dropped the boy in surprise. He turned his head; Taisho was clambering hurriedly out of the bed, heading for the door. Relief hit him, for Taisho had surely seen this and worse before. He would know what to do, right?

Jin shifted slightly, getting a better hold of Krispin, and then lifted the boy off his feet and carried him after Taisho. It wasn't easy; Krispin fought and squirmed every step of the way. But finally Jin got him out of the room, down the hall, and into the large bathroom that Taisho led him to.

Taisho paused only to slam the door shut behind them, and then he was hurrying across the room, turning on the shower.

"Here. Put him under. And hold him." Taisho turned the tap harder, changing the flow from a gentle patter to a forceful storm.

Jin dragged Krispin across and pushed him under the water, still holding tightly to him. The water was freezing cold, and he winced as it hit him, shivering. Krispin, yelling, caught a mouthful of it and began to sputter, coughing. Concerned, Jin started to loosen his grip.

"Hold him!" Taisho ordered, and Jin clutched the boy in surprise, catching him just before he tried to break away again. He stared at the coughing, yelping boy he held; at the limp, sodden hair covering his face; at the arms still scrabbling for freedom; at the huge scratches down his own forearms, blood paling to pink under the water's flow. And he felt the tears trickling down his face again, to see Krispin reduced to this.

Abruptly Krispin sagged in his arms, all the energy seeming to flow out of him. Jin looked up at Taisho, who nodded, his face a blank mask. So Jin gently let go, and watched the boy slipping to his knees, his coughs subsiding. Jin dropped to his knees next to him, his own energy gone as well.

Taisho turned the water off, and the room became suddenly quiet, as Krispin stopped coughing. The boy remained where he was, kneeling, his head down and covered by his hair. Taisho pulled a towel off the wall where it hung, and wrapped it gently around him. Then he grabbed another towel and wrapped it around Jintesh.

"Thanks," Jin said softly, brushing away his tears and willing them to stop. Taisho nodded, and then leaned close to him for a moment.

"Talk to him," he whispered. Jin stared up at him. Talk to Krispin? Now? What was he supposed to say? What if he said something to set Krispin off again? Suddenly he felt terrified, wanting to do nothing more than run away and curl up somewhere to hide. He didn't know how to deal with this.

Taisho nodded towards Krispin, and Jin lowered his gaze. Krispin had raised his head, ever so slightly, and had turned to face him. One grey eye stared at him between damp locks of hair, wide and frightened and lonely.

"Krispin.." Jin reached out a tentative hand. "Are you okay?" It didn't matter that he didn't know how to deal with this. He had to deal with this. Like it or not, this was a part of Krispin, and he was going to have to learn to cope, if he wanted to stay with Krispin. And as far as he was concerned, nothing was going to come between them. Ever.

"Tesh.." Krispin blinked a few times, and his gaze lowered slightly, coming to rest on Jin's arm. "Did I do that?"

Jin looked down at it. Most of his forearm was raked with long, thin scratches, the skin furrowed and torn, blood welling up in tiny dots here and there. He shrugged, helplessly.

"It doesn't matter." He raised his eyes to Krispin, hoping the boy would see that he meant it. Krispin stared back at him, and then slowly reached up and brushed the wet hair out of his face.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, looking pale and lost. Jin couldn't look at him like that and not want to hold him tight, hug the pain out of him somehow. So he crept forward, sliding his arms tentatively around the boy. Krispin leaned against him, damp forehead pressed against his shoulder.

"It's okay," Jin reassured him, and he felt Krispin's warm tears dripping onto his chest. Krispin shivered slightly, and he squeezed the boy's shoulders gently. "What say we get you dry and dressed and warm?"

Krispin pulled away from him again, and nodded his head, eyes downcast. So he took the towel and gently began to dry Krispin's body. Taisho appeared above him, and squeezed all the excess water out of the boy's hair, then wrapped it in a towel. Together they coaxed him to his feet, and Jin paused only to wrap his own towel more firmly about himself before they led him out to the hallway.

Taisho directed them to another closed doorway. "Go in there. I'll get him some clothes."

Jin did as he was told, finding himself in another bedroom, this one clean and almost obsessively tidy. Much better for Krispin right now than the torn covers and broken furniture, certainly. He guided Krispin to the bed, and then sat down next to him, unsure now of what to say or do. He felt gentle fingers on his arm, and looked down. Krispin was stroking his scratches softly.

Then Taisho hurried into the room, shutting the door behind him. He was half dressed now, in his leather pants, and as he dropped a pile of clothing on the bed, Jin saw his own jeans and t-shirt there as well.

"Get dressed, if you like," Taisho told him, and then the singer picked up a loose shirt and shorts, moving around to Krispin. Jintesh hurriedly shrugged into his clothes, as Taisho dressed Krispin. Then Jin sat down again, rubbing his towel through his hair.

"Krispin, what happened?" Taisho was sitting down on the bed as well, on the other side of Krispin. "You were on Haze last night, weren't you?"

"Of course." Krispin sighed, one hand fidgeting with a damp lock of hair. Jin reached out and took the other hand in his own, and Krispin glanced up, smiling briefly at him. It was a wan smile, but it was there, and that reassured Jin a little.

"Then this shouldn't have happened, not today." Taisho's deep voice sounded fretful, a tone Jin had never heard before from him.

"I know." Krispin raised his head, and looked at Taisho, then at Jin. His expression was drawn, scared. "I.. I'm not sure. Maybe I know. I have to.." he sighed again, his shoulders slumping. "I have to go away again. For a few days. You can't -- I can't --" he cut himself off, and took a deep breath. "I think I can fix it," he said softly, shaking his head. "But I can't tell you about it."

"Why?" Taisho's voice held an edge of frustration now, as well.

"I.. can't. Do you trust me, Taisho?" Krispin looked up at the singer, who nodded helplessly. "Then let me do this myself. It's the way it has to be."

Taisho sighed, closing his eyes, and nodded again. Krispin turned to look at Jin.

"Tesh?"

"Krispin.." Jin clutched the boy's hand, convulsively. He was scared all over again, not knowing what was going on, not knowing what was supposed to be right or wrong. If he let Krispin go again, would he come back? Would he be the same? What was it that was so secret he couldn't tell them, yet he had to go to it to get well?

"Do.. what you need to." Jin whispered the words, afraid to say them. But if Krispin was so sure this was going to help him.. surely he knew better than Jin did. "Just.. make sure you come back."

"Hey, you know I will." Krispin let go of his hand and reached up to touch his cheek. "Now, let's fix up your arm, okay?" The boy stood up, and Jin stared at him. To see Krispin go from senseless anger to frozen despondency to some sense of normalcy in such a short period of time.. it was confusing. Frightening.

"Alright." He stood as well. He'd deal. Krispin was Krispin, and Jin'd just have to get used to this. He glanced over at Taisho, but the singer remained where he was, his eyes closed, even as Krispin pulled Jin out of the room, back towards the bathroom. How long had Taisho dealt with this? How did he go on, dealing with this?

Krispin was quiet as he cleaned up Jintesh's arm, rubbing it with a solution that would halve the healing time. Jin didn't try to speak. He couldn't think of anything to say. There was so much he wanted to know, but.. he didn't know how to ask the questions. And he didn't think Krispin would give him the answers.

He followed Krispin back to the boy's bedroom when they were finished, and watched as Krispin paused, wide-eyed in the doorway. But after a moment, the boy shrugged and walked on in.

Jin sat down on the bed, watching as Krispin found some other clothes to wear, and hunted out his sneakers, completely ignoring the mess around him. Jin wondered how many times before he'd done it.. whether he was used to it by now.

"Tesh." Krispin's voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and he looked up. Krispin was brushing his hair, pulling out the tangles. "I'm sorry I scared you. I'm not often that bad anymore."

"It's okay." Jin shrugged his shoulders. "But.. what made you angry?" Before he let Krispin go, he just needed to ask this one thing. To try and make sense of it. And to make sure that he hadn't done anything that had triggered Krispin's mood.

"Nothing." Krispin paused in his brushing, turning to face Jin, his expression serious. "I know it's hard to understand, but I meant what I told you. There's no reason behind my moods. They'll just come and go without warning, and there's nothing to set them off. Don't think you did something, 'cause you didn't. It's just me."

"Alright." Jin met those intent eyes, and nodded his head. "And so long as you're okay now." What more could he say? It had scared him, badly, but Krispin seemed so sure, and he thought he could try to understand. Krispin couldn't help his moods, and the Krispin that he was during those moods was not him. So long as he remembered that..

"I will be. And I'll come back. Everything'll be alright." Krispin tossed aside his hairbrush and moved to stand in front of Jintesh, one hand lifting Jin's chin to look up at him. "Just a few days. Then you can forget about it all."

"Do I want to forget?" Jin blinked at him. "Then I'll just get scared all over if it happens again." Krispin shook his head with a small smile.

"Always thinking. Alright. But maybe you won't have to see it again." Krispin leaned forward, kissing him on the forehead. "Do me a favour?"

"What's that?" Jin raised his head a little more, catching Krispin's lips with his own, a quick kiss.

"Before you go home, talk to Taisho." Krispin glanced out the doorway briefly. "Sometimes I think he's been putting up with this for too long. I know you two have made friends.. and more." Krispin smiled briefly, a knowing smile more like his normal attitude. "Someone who understands.. it helps."

"Okay." Jin nodded, and Krispin kissed him again, lingering, tugging gently at his lips with his teeth.

"Thanks, Tesh." The boy stepped back, and Jin realised he was about to leave. He stood, grabbing Krispin around the waist, pulling him in for another kiss, just one more embrace before he was gone. Because he was still scared to let him go.

They stood there, glued to each other for a brief eternity, just being with each other. Holding each other, knowing that they were together. Then Krispin pulled back with a sigh.

"I gotta go. Just a few days. See you real soon, okay?"

"Okay." Jin sat down on the bed again, watching as Krispin ran out the door. A few moments later, he heard the front door slam, and he sighed as well, closing his eyes. Krispin was gone. Oh, how he hated that.

Taisho was lying on the bed, one arm across his face, when Jin entered the room, and Jin paused in the doorway, unsure. He stared at the singer a moment, wondering if he was crying, wondering what he should do. But he'd told Krispin he'd talk to him. And even more, he wanted to talk to Taisho. Wanted to sort out his own head, and maybe the singer's as well.

"Taisho?"

Taisho shifted, and then slowly raised his arm. He wasn't crying, but he definitely looked miserable. He sighed, and then sat up slowly, chestnut hair falling in his face.

"Is he gone?"

"Yeah." Jin crossed the room and sat down next to Taisho, still feeling awkward. Taisho peered up at him briefly, and then turned and reached for the packet of cigarettes sitting on the bedside table.

"Want one?"

"Okay." Jin took the proffered cigarette, and then waited for Taisho to light his own before taking the lighter. They sat in silence for a moment, just letting the nicotine sink in. Then Taisho sat up straighter, twisting his hair back into a loose ponytail.

"You think he means it? That this wherever he goes to is going to make him better?" The singer flicked ash in the vague direction of his ashtray.

"He.. yeah. Well, he's acting like everything will be fine once he goes there." Jin ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. What do you think? You know him better than me."

"You're probably right. I just hope he knows what the hell he's doing." Taisho took a drag on his cigarette. "And you know him just as well. You're just as close to him as I've ever been. Closer."

Jin looked up, but Taisho's face was its calm mask again, giving away nothing of what he was feeling.

"Do you hate me for that?" he wondered. Taisho's eyes flickered to his, searching his gaze for something. Then the singer shrugged his shoulders.

"No." He paused. "Maybe a little. Jealous, certainly. But I like you. You're honest, you're strong, and you treat him well. And you make him happy."

"Do you judge all your friends on how well they treat Krispin?" Jin pressed his cigarette against his lips, taking a deep drag, hoping he wasn't pushing Taisho too far.

"No." Taisho grinned suddenly, and Jin saw humour sparking in his eyes. "But not all of them are sleeping with him." The singer stubbed out his cigarette, passing the ashtray to Jin. Jin took a last drag, stubbing his out as well.

"Do you remember last night?" Taisho took the ashtray back, putting it on the bedside table. Jin stared at his blank expression. Last night? Last night was a haze of broken memories, but.. he remembered Taisho's kiss. Remembered them leading him to bed. Remembered what they'd done there. How could he forget it? It had been so intense.

"Yeah, I do." He looked down, hoping he wasn't blushing. It had been fun, wild and delightful, but in the sober light of the next day he felt a little odd. It wasn't every day he invited a third party into his bed, with no intents but sex.

"Regretting it already?" Taisho's voice held a hint of amusement, and Jin snapped his head up in surprise.

"No!" He had enjoyed it more than he'd expected. It wasn't until Taisho had kissed him that he'd begun to realise how attractive the singer was. "I.. I just.." He didn't know what Taisho might think now, might want now.

"Don't worry, Jintesh. I don't expect any more from you. Or Krispin." Taisho shrugged his shoulders. "This isn't the first time I've done something like that, and it won't be the last. One night without loneliness is enough to keep me going for a long time." He grinned briefly.

"Taisho.." Jin was reminded of how lonely Taisho looked sometimes. "Why don't you find someone else? Someone who doesn't leave you so lonely?"

"I can't." Taisho reached for his cigarettes again. "I can't get over him, not while he's still around. And I can't leave him unless I get over him." He caught a cigarette between his teeth and lit it. "Vicious circle. Besides, it's times like last night that make it all worthwhile."

Taisho offered the packet, and Jin took another cigarette. "But how often do you get those?" He let Taisho light the cigarette for him, and he inhaled deeply.

"Now and again. Sometimes he's between relationships. Then I might get more. Or sometimes he's with someone I find attractive, and he'll let me join in, once or twice. Only with his permission." The singer grinned around his cigarette. "I wouldn't have kissed you last night without his say-so. Even if I wanted to."

Jin didn't know what to think of that. He liked the freedom of it, for all of them; for Krispin, for himself, for Taisho. And he liked that Taisho found him attractive. But he wondered how good it was for Taisho, getting these quick glimpses of what more there was, but never truly having it.

"I worry for you," he said finally, squinting at Taisho through the smoke of his cigarette. Taisho shook his head.

"Don't. It's not worth it. I've lived like this for a long time. It's not killing me. Besides, he needs me. He may not crave me, or desire me -- that's what you're for -- but he needs me. I know how to deal with his moodswings better than anyone. I know what he wants, and what's good for him, even when he's not sure. If it weren't for me, he'd probably forget to eat half the time."

"So you're playing the role of his mother?" Jin couldn't help but grin.

"Mother!" Taisho laughed, shaking his head. "Pity the child with a mother like me."

"How long, Taisho? How long have you been taking care of him?"

"Ah." Taisho took a drag on his cigarette, his expression thoughtful. "Three years? Maybe more. Time seems to fly sometimes."

"Three years.." Jintesh tried to imagine it. He wondered how he would be, in three years time, with Krispin's constant presence. The idea of having Krispin so close, for so long, delighted him. And scared him. He wanted it, craved it.. except for those moodswings. "How do you cope? How do you deal with his moods?"

Taisho tilted his head, taking in Jin's expression. "You deal. Don't let it scare you away. You start off wondering 'what did I do?', or 'what could I have done differently?' but you'll learn eventually.. you have nothing to do with it. You just have to hold him when he needs it, stop him from hurting himself, and do whatever you can to make him calm until they pass. You have to learn to be patient, and to remember that it's not the real Krispin."

"I guess I figured that." Jin stared at his cigarette. "It scares me, but.. he's Krispin. I adore him."

"Good." Taisho smiled at him. "You'll get used to it. And it doesn't happen all that often anymore. The older he gets, the less it happens. Maybe one day.." The singer shook his head. "It doesn't matter."

"There's always hope, though." Jin stuck his cigarette between his teeth and ran his fingers through his hair. He hoped he could learn to be like Taisho in these dealings. Learn to be used to Krispin's moods. Learn to get through them like any other troubles in a relationship. At least Krispin was honest with him. That was a far cry from anything she'd ever been.

"I guess." Taisho sat forward, and they finished their cigarettes in silence.

"I should get home," Jin said finally, as he put his cigarette out. Never mind that it was still morning; he was tired, weary already from today's events, and still worn out from last night, and all the alcohol he'd consumed. He was suddenly looking forward to doing nothing more than taking a long, lazy hot shower and then falling into bed.

"Okay. Get some sleep. That's what I'm going to do." Taisho grinned at him, and he grinned back. He felt closer to the singer somehow. There was some sort of understanding between them now. They'd shared the best of Krispin, and the worst. Krispin was right; someone who understood did indeed help.

"Good idea." Jin hesitated, then gave into impulse and leaned forward, kissing Taisho gently. The singer's lips were slack in surprise for a moment, and then he returned the kiss, reaching up to pull Jintesh closer.

Then they both pulled back, staring at each other. Jintesh grinned, feeling a little silly.

"See ya." He got to his feet.

"See ya." Taisho smiled at him, a real smile, and Jin waved briefly with one hand, then turned for the door. He thought Taisho understood; they were friends, just friends, but they were two integral parts of Krispin's life, and that made them just a little more than friends. And he liked that just fine.