Ore No Aibou
Uhhmmm.. spoiler alert! If you don't know what happens in the eighth Jiraishin tankoubon, don't hold me responsible! Oh, and having a so so Japanese reading ability and being exposed to Mixxzine's version of Jiraishin or 'Ice Blade' I've probably butchered some charas... oh well.
Unlike most of the fics I've tried to write, this one is very NOT yaoi, and if anyone even suggests slashing this pair they better know how to fight. This fic is also one of those psychological pieces that has no real plot.
This ones for Miyuu, 'cause she needed a fan work and I was missing her.
Oh, and one more warning.. I was in a very, very bad mood while writing this.
If nothing else, it's going to be much quieter without you.
When someone dies, you're supposed to think about all the good times you spent with them. As much as I am going to miss you, I don't think there were that many good times. There weren't many times at all. The closest we had was when I'd drive you home occasionally; when you'd ask me in. I don't even remember right now if I ever accepted your invitations to dinner.
I wonder who I'll get stuck with now. The way things are going it'll be some shrinking violet.
You always tried to reach out, didn't you? To everyone, but especially to me. Maybe it was the long hours we spent together, the fact that sometimes we literally did place our lives into each others hands. Maybe I just irritated you, the way I only let myself smile when it shows I'm the one in control. You probably were used to a bigger reaction to your jokes.
Damn, looks like it's back to doing my own paperwork on the small cases.
You know, most people either give up or turn desperate when they want me as a friend. Not you. You just kept trying. On and on and on again. Even when I purposefully ignored you, you wouldn't shut up. There's a lot of people in this world who can't just get to work; I guess I don't usually stay around that kind for very long.
I think you owed me 500 yen or so. Bus fare.
We were quite the mismatched couple, you and I. It wasn't the pairing of opposites that results in an unstoppable team; if anything we were just trying to stay out of each others way half the time. You were quick to blame me when things got out of control, I thought of you as a nuisance. Your wife could keep a sense of humor about it, she didn't have to deal with the clash every day.
I feel sorry for your wife.
The people I like most are usually the ones who mind their own business. I don't like them so much as they don't piss me off. Your wife was like you in that she tried to reach out, but she also knew how to keep her distance. How to play things casually. How not to get in my way. And it's not every woman who screams at you for shooting her kidnapper.
Even so, things could be worse for me.
I remember how you sometimes would try to crack me by asking me painfully obvious questions. About myself, about what was going to happen next, about love. You always pretended at least that I wasn't being cold, that I was one of your friends. That could have gotten uncomfortable fast if I didn't keep my mouth shut. Let you in once, and no doubt you would have put your feet up on the couch and demanded your own house key. Let anyone in, and they come back.
You're dead. None of what you did matters now.
But hey, there was never anything between us. Even when you'd try to ask questions, I'd just fall silent. I never viewed you any different then I would have someone else. Other guys get tight with their partners sometimes, even though they should know better. With me there was never any room for that. No room for anything. You'd keep chattering, I'd keep cold.
I never envied you in the slightest.
What was I to you? Your goddamn hobby? You never knew when to quit, running to me for help and then getting in my way. I only ever wanted to get along without getting involved. Just couldn't handle that concept, could you? Couldn't handle the concept of cool respect in place of affection? Didn't like the thought of relying on someone who didn't like you? I know you weren't lonely. You had friends, a wife, soon a child..
You were a good partner. A damn good partner.
I'm not angry, not at you at the least. You never really bothered me that much; even when I did have to clean up after you it was just part of the job. You knew what you were doing most of the time, and you did help me a lot. I was lucky to be assigned someone like you; someone who knew his work.
What was it you wanted, Yamaki? Did you want to help me somehow? Did you think you had to, had to play good samaritan and save what you saw as an emotional invalid? Did you have nothing else to do? Did you want to? Did you like me?
Even though I can't ask you now, and never would, I'm not blind to other people. You didn't think there was anything wrong with me, you just wanted to make me care. You wanted to be my friend.
And wherever you are, Hachi-san, I hope that makes you happy.
Mae dake o mitsumete ore wa tabidatsu
owatta kinoo ni
kui wa nai kara.
Yasuragi wa iranai kodoku ga hoshii.
Kodoku de nakeraba yume oenai.
- Waga Seishun no Arcadia no Theme (Theme to 'Arcadia of My Youth')
(I stare only forward and set out / for I have no regrets of yesterday / which is finished. / I do not need serenity. / I want solitude. / Unless I am alone, I cannot chase my dream.)
(Not that appropriate to the story, I know, but very very Kyouya.)